On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
farters have to be the big spoon...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
