also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
