Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize