you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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