the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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