I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
