I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
