She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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