The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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