I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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