I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
