For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
