I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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