I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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