nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
