I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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