Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
