you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize