She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
