i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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