On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
