I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
