Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
