My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
