Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
