so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
