Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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