Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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