when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize