He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
