a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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