I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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