They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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