he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
