did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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