My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
