Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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