Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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