I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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