I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
