I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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