Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I FOUND THE LEGS
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
