checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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