i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
