We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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