I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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