I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
