You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
