got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
