My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
