One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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