what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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