im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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