and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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