Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
