I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
