I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
